So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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