I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
