I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
