Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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