he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
