I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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