dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
