i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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