So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
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I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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