google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
