No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
