Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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