You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
