Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You ruined the universe
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
