just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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