She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
