My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I need to sanitize my soul.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in