singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
