I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
