I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
