My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
