How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
