Got a toothbrush?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
