Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
