She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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