The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize