why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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