So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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