I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I will pee on everything he values.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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