having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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