it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
