just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
