There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
