Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
