You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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