the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
