I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
