it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I want a musical about memes.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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