Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
