i already hear my dad disowning me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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