i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
