well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my being single is dangerous.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
