we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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