First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
