She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Pooping to opera.
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