Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
