He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
