So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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