I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
