I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
