i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
