I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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