Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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