Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
