Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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